


If Only I Could Tell you

by alex_fix



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Cute Ending, F/F, One Shot, Waverly needs to figure out what's important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29634573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex_fix/pseuds/alex_fix
Summary: I originally posted this one shot on another account. If you like this one, check out my longer stories underLymers.
Relationships: Calamity Jane Haught & Nicole Haught, Waverly Earp & Nicole Haught, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught
Comments: 1
Kudos: 80





	If Only I Could Tell you

Waverly’s phone buzzed. It never stopped. Calls, texts, emails, news alerts, social media updates, her life connected 24/7 and it was sucking her soul out through the tips of her fingers.

She checked the time. Three minutes past midnight, Wynonna letting her know she was still out partying, still missed her, that Haught still looked like a lost puppy since she moved away. Pretty impressive for Wynonna to relay all that in one text message, considering how much she normally consumed on any given evening. Waverly sent a message back, informing Wynonna of the time where she was and to say hi to everyone. About to send Nicole a separate message, guessing she was probably out drinking with her sister, she decided to let it go. Their last conversation before she left had not gone so well, the redhead entering her life at the wrong time, when leaving Purgatory for somewhere new felt like the right move, the only move left open, where her life might not be permanently lived under the shadow of being an Earp, or Wynonna's sober younger sister.

She needed space, space and distance to be herself, to find out who she was, more importantly who she could be, without dragging a family name and a drunk sister behind her wherever she went. Nicole's appearance had slowed her exit to pastures new a whole six months. In that short time they had become friends, then more than friends, then friends with lots of steamy benefits. Both recognised their feelings ran deep, Waverly torn between leaving her home town or staying for the sake of what she had with this newly-arrived law enforcement officer, who seemed perfectly at home in a town from which she was dying to escape. 

She heard Nicole's words, telling her to go live her life, go do what she had to do, or forever regret not grabbing the opportunity. Except her eyes spoke a more truthful language, every single time they were together, telling Waverly she didn’t want her to go. And then, the arguments started. Unintentionally at first, Waverly unable to figure out which path she needed to take. And then, intentionally, as she tried to put distance between them, convincing herself if they were no longer together it would make her decision to leave Purgatory easier. And then, the big fight, Waverly storming out of Shorty’s, Nicole chasing after. “I wish you’d never come to Purgatory,” she yelled, tasting the poison in her own words, attempting to kill the love she had for the woman standing in the rain begging her to return to the warmth of the bar. “We should never have started this.”

“Waves. I’m sorry. All I said was, if you’re undecided, why not wait a few more months then go.”

“Oh, I’m decided. I’m going. I’m booking my ticket tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow. But, I thought you were going to be here for my birthday. We talked about it.”

“You talked about it, Nicole. I listened. And, what’s after your birthday? Another event, and another event, and another.”

Nicole’s eyes blinked a few times, knowing she was losing the one person who kept her in this town. “I guess if you don’t want to hang around, you’d better go. You know I love you.”

“Don’t. Just don’t. I’m dying here don't you see. I need to…don’t give me that look.”

Nicole looked down at the Stetson in her hand. “Then I guess you'd better go.”

Waverly grabbed those words and ran, unable to look back, unable to face Nicole. “Yeah, like hundreds of miles,” she yelled from the window of her jeep.

Tears fell as she drove to the homestead. It was not how she wanted it to end. Not like that, not by ripping Nicole’s heart out, letting her believe her love was not reciprocated. Nicole sent a text an hour later asking if she had arrived home safely. More tears. A message back to say she agreed they needed space. The hardest message she ever had to send. And, a lie. But then, that’s the beauty of communication when the person you’re lying to is not gazing into your eyes, begging you to stay.

And, she left. A new and exciting life stretched before her, so different to Purgatory. A hectic, high-flying career in a fast-paced new city, everything she dreamed of all those days in her bedroom in her home town. New friends, new adventures, plus a whole new wardrobe. The executive look. And, yoga classes, and exercise classes, and drinks with friends and more drinks with friends, and casual dates with those who were nothing like Nicole, who didn't look at her as if their whole world existed within her eyes. 

And, the months rolled by. The occasional text from Nicole asking how things were going. Perfectly civil, Waverly responding with equally short messages. Non-committal. And, then the messages stopped and she no longer attempted to make contact. 

And, the months rolled by. And, her life slipped into a routine, and her phone kept her connected with everyone and everything, except the one person she wanted to hear from the most.

And, the months rolled by. And, her job became more demanding. And, there were late nights, and extra workload, and a prickly boss to deal with. And, her friends wanted her time when she was free, and more exercise classes, and more shopping. Anything to distract from the growing sadness and loneliness of the choices she made to be free. And, the one person she wanted to connect with, no longer did.

And, the months rolled by. And, an article caught her eye as she sat nursing her second mug of coffee at her desk one morning. A three-day digital detox retreat, offering a chance to cleanse your life of all the noise pollution that comes with living in the modern world of constant connection. She called Wynonna, reading out the details, suggesting she should come too. Wynonna agreed it sounded an excellent idea, that she would think about it. Waverly emailed her the details, hoping her sister at least would consider it.

“What do you think?” Waverly asked, as she made herself a sandwich in the office kitchen. “You’re always complaining about not getting away. Plus, you get to see me.”

“I’d love to, but I’m not sure I can get the time off. Dolls isn’t in the best of moods right now.”

“It’s only three days.”

“I don’t know. Let me think about it. How’s the big city?”

“Busy. How’s the small town?”

“Boring. Oh wait, best you hear it from me, Haught finally has someone.”

Waverly's whole body tensed at the news. “That’s great. I’m glad for her.”

“Didn’t think she’d ever get over you.”

“Well, clearly she has. Say hi if you see her. Need to go, boss is looking at me.”

Waverly’s mind was no longer on her work. The news Nicole had moved on something she hadn’t prepared herself for. Of course she would find someone, it wasn't as if they were still together. But, it hurt knowing Nicole was no longer free.

The girl on the welcome desk at the retreat centre smiled as Waverly handed back her completed registration form. “You’ll need to leave your phone with me for the duration of your stay.”

“Wouldn’t be a digi detox if I kept it,” Waverly replied, attempting to sound casual, the anxiety of losing connection with the outside world beginning to register.

“It takes a few hours to adjust, but trust me by the end of the retreat you’ll feel so much clearer.”

“Looking forward to that. Where do I go now?”

“The welcome party starts in an hour. I’ll get someone to show you to your room, let you get settled.”

The accommodation was basic. A wooden hut containing two single beds, and a bench for her weekend bag, no TV, or radio, or internet, the only sounds that of the river flowing outside, and the wind playing with the trees. Nature's symphony, one she had stopped hearing since leaving her home town, bringing a sense of calm once more to her overly-busy life and a space in which to reflect. A space to finally feel the pain she had masked with all the doing. A space to feel the sadness at having given up someone for a life she thought she wanted.

The first evening meditation session was more difficult than she imagined, her monkey brain chattering away, her mind bringing up images of Nicole, struggling to find peace with whoever she now was with. The other attendees were pleasant enough, each with a similar story to hers, their lives an unceasing stream of stress through having to stay in the communication loop 24/7. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, LinkedIn, Reddit. Likes, emojis, thumbs up, thumbs down. Happy face, sad face. Roll on the floor laughing. Devoid of any real, tangible connection.

Saturday brought another day of wrestling with her thoughts. At dinner, the girl sitting opposite spent nearly two hours recounting her entire life story, Waverly listening politely all the while thinking of Nicole and her new partner. The fun they were probably having together. Nicole’s laugh, those cute dimples when she smiled, and the way she would let her eyes linger a little longer than they should on her lips. How she listened, really listened, hanging on every word, wanting to know her innermost thoughts, caring, simply caring about her life and what she wanted to do with it. 

The girl opposite was asking her about her life, Waverly telling her she ran away to a city that no longer satisfied, that it took distance and disconnection to finally understand what she wanted. That what she wanted had moved on, while she was off pursuing some grand plan. The girl commiserated, saying what will be will be. And, Waverly knew in that moment where her life lay.

Sunday morning arrived. Her fellow attendees looked happier, less stressed, less distracted. Even she noticed a shift in her own way of being in this world, able to sit and listen to the person talking, be that an instructor, or student. For the first time in ages she hadn’t felt the need to check her phone for updates, or messages, or news. She simply sat in the moment. And, it was enough. Except it wasn’t.

The instructor placed a wooden box before him, the one where she had relinquished her faux connection to others at the start of the retreat. “Today is a big day,” the instructor began. “Today is the day you make one call. The most important call you will ever make. I suggest you find somewhere private. The grounds are ideal. I wish you joy.”

One attendee had their hand up. “Like, we can call anyone?”

“Anyone. But, it must be only one call. And, it must be conducted in complete honesty.”

“So, like I can call my dad?” the attendee continued.

“Anyone. If there is someone you need to say something to, something you haven’t been able to say before, this is the opportunity to do so.”

“Like, what if he doesn’t want to talk?”

“Then, so be it. We cannot control how the other will respond, but your communication will be as it should. Now, go find yourself some space and make those calls.”

Waverly walked some distance from the centre, more sure than she had ever been. She called Nicole’s number, waiting to hear her voice, hoping there was something left between them. She would settle for friendship just to know Nicole would remain in her life. It went to voicemail, her heart sinking, assuming she was probably with the new person in her life. She was about to hang up, not leave a message, remembering what the instructor said about not being able to control the other person. “Hi, it’s me. I just wanted to say…what I wanted to say. I’m glad you’ve found someone. I’m sorry I said the things I said. I was scared I’d never leave Purgatory, and I took it out on you. Nicole, I love you. I’ll always love you, and…”

She had no more words. She hung up, sitting on a cold, grey boulder watching the water flow by, dancing over pebbles, sunlight sparkling on the surface. Her phone rang. “Hey, long time, no hear.”

That familiar voice was her new symphony. “I know. I’m sorry, for everything. I’m sorry what I said to you. I’m sorry if I made you believe I didn’t love you.”

“Hey, hey, slow down. You okay? You sound upset. Where are you?”

“On a digital detox retreat.”

She could hear Nicole laughing. “You’re on your phone.”

“We’re allowed one call. One call to someone we need to say something we didn’t.”

“And, I’m that call. I’m honoured.”

“Wynonna told me. I’m glad for you. Truly. They don’t know how lucky they are to have someone like you in their life.”

“Is that so? What exactly did Wynonna tell you?”

“That you’re with someone. I’m really happy for you.”

“Did Wynonna happen to mention the name of this someone I’m currently with?”

“Are you happy? Please tell me you’re happy.”

“Oh, I’m happy. Very happy. Do you want to know her name?”

“I guess. Is it someone in Purgatory?”

“Jane.”

“I don’t know anyone by that name. Is she new in town?”

“Picked her up at the animal sanctuary two months ago.”

“She works there?”

“Not exactly. Lived there for a while. Waverly, your sister wasn’t being entirely truthful with you. Jane is a cat. Calamity Jane.”

“Oh, my God. I’m going to kill Wynonna. So, you’re not with anyone?”

“Now, who might be asking?”

“Me, I’m asking. I’ve been such a fool. I should never have left. I had everything and I gave it up for some stupid idea.”

“Hold on. Hold on. Wynonna said you were really happy. Your job’s going great, you’ve made new friends.”

“It is. I have. But at a huge cost.”

“And, what was that?”

“You. I threw you away. I’m so sorry. If we could be friends. I know what I did was unforgivable, but I could really do with your friendship right now.”

“Just friends. Is that what you want?”

Waverly paused. “No. I want more. So much more, but I don’t deserve that, not after what I did.”

“Let me be the judge of that. So, you want us to be more than just friends. Are you sure?”

“More sure than I’ve ever been. Is that what you want?”

“Waverly, how long have you been gone?”

“A little over eighteen months. Why?”

“And, in all that time have you dated anyone?”

“No.”

“So, in all those months neither of us has moved on.”

“Well, you kind of have with Jane.”

“I got a cat. That’s how far I’ve moved on. A cat litter tray.”

“I miss you. Why did I ever let you go?”

“Because you needed to go do what you did to know what you want. So, the big question. And, be honest with me.”

Waverly felt her heart flutter. “Go on. What is it?”

“Do you like cats?”

“I love you, Haught.”

“I was thinking of taking some time off. I’m owed holiday. I’m sure Nedley won’t mind looking after Calamity Jane for a few days. How about I fly down to see you. We could see how this friendship thing goes.”

“You’d do that?”

“Need to check out this high-living lifestyle of yours Wynonna keeps bragging about.”

“It’s not that great. I want to come home. I want to make it work this time.”

“Well now, that all depends.”

“On what? I’ve changed, Nicole I’m not the person I was when I left. I promise.”

“I was going to say, it depends on Calamity Jane. She gets a say in all this.”

“Do you think she’ll like me?”

“She’ll love you.”


End file.
